“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” ~Sam Keen

True love requires us to go against our nature of “me first” and pursue a much different way of living. loving imperfect people requires sacrifice, patients,  forgiveness and understanding.

Here are 25 ways you can selflessly love your partner. 

1.  Speak up (set time aside to really communicate with your partner )

2.  Let the small things go(remember, the little things that bother you might be the things you miss most if your partner was ever taken from your life) 

3.  Look them in the eyes(take 10, 20 or 30 seconds to just admire the person you love)

4.  Share 5 things you admire about your partner

5.  Sacrifice something for your partner(an addiction, time, money, pride etc…)

6.  Be vulnerable(Share your fears and insecurities)

7.  Do something, expect nothing do something for your partner that has no personal benefit)

8.  Take time to examine yourself(from your partners perspective) 

9.  Lose an argument(just cause you love them)

10.  Just listen(drop everything and listen)

11.  Send a random love letter (take your time to send a meaningful text, email or hand written letter)

12.  Apologize without defending or reasoning 

13.  Give them space(know when to back off)

14.  Support there dreams/hobbies (buy them a book, find a class or just encourage your partner to pursue something you know they care about)

15.  Grow together(develop rituals and habits that will strengthen your relationship)

16.  Set goals as a couple (plan your future together and be specific)

17.  Volunteer with your partner(take time for your partners favorite local charity or cause) 

18.  Spend time with their family and friends(take time to know your partners loved ones)

19.  Workout(staying healthy and attractive)

20.  Don’t keep secrets(build trust by being honest about your past, present and future)

21.  Physically explore your partner(know what physically makes your partner feel loved)

22.  Emotionally explore your partner(what words or actions does your partner appreciate most. Know them)

23.  Let others know how you feel about your partner when your partners not around(brag about your partner and make others jealous of what you have). 

24.  Surprise your partner with a weekend getaway or plan a vacation together.

25.  Protect your partner(make sure your partner knows you got there back when challenges arise)

There was a scientific study done in the 1970s on the connection between drug addiction and living conditions. A psychologist by the name of Bruce K. Alexander observed rats both in cramped metal cages, and in an environment where they could thrive both socially and physically. In each case the rats were given the choice of water and morphine. The rats that lived in their “ideal” environment stayed away from the morphine. In addition, already addicted rats that were placed in the “ideal” environment quit using the drugs and suffered voluntarily through detox. The rats in cramped cages chose the drugs over food, water and even their own lives. The theory was that the rat’s addiction to morphine was in direct correlation to their environment. 

What could this study tell us about ourselves? I would dare say that we, as humans, are even more likely to fall into addictions and bad habits based on our environment.  

Another example of how environment affects behavior is rioting. Individuals who have never engaged in illegal activity are suddenly throwing over police vehicles, looting and committing acts of violence. This phenomenom is know as deindividuation, where individuals will drop their personal identity and responsibility to adopt those of the group’s. The environment has direct effect on how they are behaving.

5 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF ABOUT YOUR ENVIRONMENT

ARE YOU BORED?

Boredom is my worst enemy. It’s killed a lot of my friends, but it won’t get me. When I get bored, I go risk my life somewhere.  - LARRY NIVEN, Ringworld

Boredom opens the door for bullshit excuses and horrible decision making. You hear it all the time; it’s a notorious statement used by the people in our prisons and on our streets: “I was bored…” Bored humans are dangerous humans, both to themselves and to society. If you’re bored you need to do something about it.

IS YOUR ENVIRONMENT INFLUENCING YOU? 

Everything and everybody you associate with will have some influence on you. As children we were constantly reminded by loved ones not to hang out with so and so and to stay away from such and such. The people that love us know just how crucial it is to surround ourselves with positive individuals and situations. As adults we lose sight of this concept in relation to our own lives. We mistakenly think we’re mature enough to manage bad environments and that we’ll make the right choices when facing tough situations. Don’t be naive; you might make the right choice 99% of the time, but there’s also the chance that you’re gonna make a disastrous choice. You may end up hurting someone you love, in jail or worse, dead. 

ARE YOU STUCK?

Many people aren’t given a fair chance in life; they’ve just been dealt a shitty hand. You may have grown up with parents that don’t know how to love you and in environments that are falling apart. Hopeless situations leave people feeling stuck and unable to make any real change. It’s important to find where you’re stuck at: what’s stopping you from making positive choices, creating positive relationships and living in a way that feels natural and harmony with who you are? You may need to make some big decisions to get to the place you wanna go. Move cities, leave a toxic relationship, or quit your job. When you change your environment, you can change your life. 

WHO AND WHAT’S IDEAL FOR YOU?

Next step is to figure out exactly who and what’s ideal for you. If you know the types of people you admire and the kinda place you see yourself going, than you’ll know when your environment is unsuitable. The clearer the picture is in your mind, the more successful you’ll be at creating the life you want and need. 

ARE YOU PREPARED TO DO IT?

“Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.”  - Tom Stoppard

Procrastination, fear and immaturity are three possible things that are going to stop you. Some of us have to learn life the hard way and that may be the path for you. Foolish choices will eventually force change in your life or take it away. I challenge you to be aware of the environment you’re in, the places you go, and the choices you make today.

What is it that makes us so quick to listen to what others have to say? Why do we let opinions control the decisions we make every day? And how do we politely tell people to mind their own business? I grew up surrounded by people who have strong opinions about how I should be living my life - people who loved me yet still had the ability to make bad assumptions about who I was and what was actually best for me. I missed many opportunities because I listened to people’s opinions rather than what my heart really desired.  

Here’s a few realizations about listening to the opinions of others:

No one really knows you but you.

Even the people who love you most don’t always know what’s best for you. Parents, friends and family will build a ‘story’ about you, based on what seems safe and in control for them. They don’t want to think about you getting hurt, you hurting others or them. When we start exploring life outside these boundaries people can go into panic mode, wanting to protect us and the image they’ve created of us. This image is not who you actually are; it’s simply a story they’ve built around the information collected over the years or months of them knowing you. Take the time to explore what’s true for you; dig deep and find a way to put aside the opinions of others. 

You’ll miss out

Every day thousands of opportunities are lost to the fear of criticism. Love lost, careers lost and destinies delayed because we listen to others more than we do ourselves. Our hearts eventually stop talking to us because we no longer take the time to listen and follow. Often our childish and adventurous spirit is what we should really be listening to. Children are constantly growing, learning and creating; they’re always ready to try something new and not afraid to fail in the process. We must take the necessary risk to experience any real reward.   

Lost confidence 

Real confidence can only develop after we’ve made our own decisions and experienced some form of reward for those decisions. When we take complete responsibility for a decision it allows us to expand our confidence. At some point in life we all face situations where we must follow our hearts. You might be surrounded by nay sayers, cowards or people who just can’t see the situation as you do. Make a decision and stick by it. Confidence and happiness only come when we make decisions that are based on what’s true for us. Politely let loved ones know that you respect them but that you need to make some decisions on your own.  

Opinions are just opinions

Opinions are not truths. The way others see life is only truth to them and will not always be true for you. Take time to recognize whether someone is giving you truthful advice or shoving an opinion in your face.   If it’s just an opinion and not based in truth than why would you take it to heart? Take the opinion and weigh it in contrast to what’s true for you. Now make your decision. For example, if someone says smoking is bad for you, you would know that this is based in truth, and is not just an opinion. If someone is telling you, you would be happier doing one thing in comparison to what you really wanna do, than you know that this is just an opinion and not a truth. By listening to opinions you may miss out on the best life has to offer. 

Making truthful decisions can be a lonely road 

No one wants to be an outcast or feel as though they’re letting down the people they love. We all have a deep desire to feel connected and in harmony with the world around us. Making decisions that others don’t see eye to eye on might make life hard for a while. People will say hurtful things, gossip, ignore and even leave you in the attempt to change your mind. A life lived in truth will often times be met by opposition. Don’t let this stop you; your decisions are yours alone.